In Another's Hands
by Lisa Telramor
Summary: It took some trial and error to figure out how to help Shinichi after a bad case, but by this point Heiji knows what works best for the really bad times. Ace relationship Heiji/Shinichi


_AN: Okay, might seem like a weird concept, but the other day I had the biggest urge to see nonsexual bondage or mild dom/sub in an ace relationship. Because while it's a kink and turn on for some people, it's at its heart psychological and serves as a release in more ways than a sexual one. This fic is REALLY mild on the d/s and bondage aspects, but I couldn't get the idea of Shinichi sometimes needing to let go of all his tension and anxieties but not being able to easily do it unless someone he trusted helped him reach that point. I went with Heiji because a while back I read a fic with them in an ace relationship (I can't remember whose fic, but whoever you are, thank you for writing it. I'm definitely all about that ship as ace for some reason. Usually it's only one sided from Heiji but make it ace and I'm there. *shrug*) With Heiji being the first person Shinichi comes to trust with his true identity that he didn't know before being Conan (and since he's pretty much trusting Heiji with his life with that info even if it was Heiji's deduction rather than telling him about it) it seemed fitting that Shinichi would be able to trust Heiji with his vulnerability too._

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Heiji was in the library when Shinichi returned, halfway through a reread of _The Egyptian Cross Mystery_. It was the silence that jerked him out of the novel's familiar lines. Other than the soft sound of the front door opening and shutting, and of shoes being removed, Shinichi didn't say a word or announce his return like he usually would. Heiji left the book spread face down on the coffee table; a practice Shinichi hated but was more convenient than searching for a bookmark all the time.

"Hey," Heiji said, padding out to the entrance. Shinichi stood, still silent, staring down at his shoes in his hands. There were blood stains on the bottom, wiped off but still caught in the grooves, and Heiji knew it had been a bad case whatever it had been. Shinichi didn't look up as Heiji approached, didn't seem to notice him at all. "Hey," Heiji said again, reaching out to tip Shinichi's chin up so he'd look at him. "Talk to me."

Shinichi's eyes held frayed control and suppressed anger and sadness and guilt all tied up tightly and clamped down on in that unhealthy way that he had of doing things. _So. It was one of those days_ , Heiji thought. One of the days where Shinichi could neither hold himself together with the necessary distance from a case, nor entirely let go. Heiji squared his stance and let his gentle touch become firmer. "Kudo, talk," he commanded, letting authority and control fall into place, a well-used role.

Shinichi took a shuddering breath. "Not yet. Please." His eyes flicked to the side, breaking eye contact. Heiji could press now, and he knew that Shinichi would crumple, giving in to the tone of voice in his emotional turbulence, but he also didn't ask for much of anything when he was like this. Heiji revised his initial assessment of the situation. It had been a really bad case.

Internally, Heiji thought unkind things at the universe that kept shoving Shinichi into situations that caused this sort of shutdown, but he didn't let any of his frustration show in his expression or body language. He nodded once and took the shoes from Shinichi's hands. They went on the mat to the side of the rest of the shoes reserved for particularly dirty footwear. He would have to scrub them at some point in the next twenty four hours so that Shinichi could stand wearing them again. Shinichi stood still, watching Heiji and making no move to help or hinder.

"Coat," Heiji said, reaching for the zipper on Shinichi's jacket. Shinichi let himself be maneuvered until the jacket was off his arms and hanging on the coat rack. Heiji gave him a once over. No blood on his clothing or hands, no sign of injury. He'd check for the latter more carefully later, but for now he could take care of Shinichi's basic needs and work his way up to his mental ones. Heiji took Shinichi's hands in his own. "Come."

When they first started living together, Heiji hadn't known how to react to this sort of mood. He'd tried sympathetic, he'd tried semi-aggressive male bonding route—hell, there were a few times he'd called Ran over because Shinichi wouldn't talk at all. It wasn't until he and Shinichi had a few heart to hearts that Shinichi admitted that the times Heiji dragged him through their mundane routines or the days when Heiji just held him worked more than the others that Heiji finally started making headway in their trial and error comforting. It was something they'd both cautiously tested boundaries with and figured out what was or wasn't comfortable for each of them. Heiji had long decided he'd do whatever he could to keep Shinichi from breaking apart from all the shit he came across and it wasn't like he didn't get anything out of it. It was the only time that he could get away with blatantly taking care of Shinichi and have Shinichi follow his lead unquestioningly. He did his best to never abuse that privilege.

Heiji pulled Shinichi into the kitchen and sat him down at his usual spot at the table. Shinichi stared blankly at the table looking for too tired, inside and out. Heiji fetched a glass of water and pressed it into Shinichi's hand. "Drink at least half of that," he said before turning to the refrigerator. A plate of leftovers covered in cling wrap went into the microwave, set aside a few hours earlier for whenever Shinichi returned. At the table, Shinichi sipped the water mechanically. The hum of the microwave cut through the silence between them for a few minutes before it beeped.

"Eat," Heiji said, sliding the plate and a fork to Shinichi's place. He took the chair opposite him. "As much as you can manage. And that better be more than a couple bites or I'm gonna feed the whole plate to you whether you want to eat it or not." Shinichi was worse than Heiji about forgetting to eat when on a case. He watched Shinichi slowly eat through the plate of food, nudging the glass of water at regular intervals to remind him to drink. In the end, there was still a bit of food left on the plate that Shinichi stared at like a particularly complex puzzle, but it was good enough.

"That's fine." Heiji gripped Shinichi's shoulder before taking the plate and glass away. "You don't have to force yourself to finish it. Do you need more water?"

"No." It never stopped being just a bit unnerving to see him that quiet.

Heiji nodded and left the dishes in the sink, one more thing to take care of later. "C'mon," he murmured, hand resting on Shinichi's shoulder again. They left the kitchen for the bedroom.

Shinichi didn't protest as Heiji undid the buttons of his shirt, stripping him down to his boxers before rummaging through Shinichi's dresser drawers for his most comfortable worn pajama pants and t-shirt. He relaxed as Heiji pulled soft cotton pants up his legs and a shirt so worn it was gaining holes over his head. Heiji paused, brushing Shinichi's bangs back to search his face when the shirt was on. His lips tightened at how much tension was still lingering a half hour since Shinichi had returned home. Heiji returned to the dresser, pulling out a light weight scarf.

"This okay?" he asked, holding the scarf up. He could see Shinichi relax just the slightest bit more at seeing it.

"Yes," Shinichi rasped. As he started to lose the sharper edges of tension, he looked worn and drawn out from too many emotions.

Heiji walked him to their bed and sat him down in the middle of it before carefully looping the scarf over Shinichi's eyes. "Not too tight?"

"It's fine."

"Good." Heiji cupped his hands over Shinichi's ears, cutting off sound and sight for the moment, pulling Shinichi forward to lean against his chest. He held him there, breathing slow, even breaths until Shinichi's slowed to match them and he relaxed into Heiji's touch. Shinichi had done this for Heiji once, to try to explain why it helped. There was something disorienting about being blindfolded, and Heiji couldn't say he enjoyed that personally. But with hands over his ears and pressed against someone, your heartbeat and breath were something to focus on, and Shinichi's warmth and scent had been calming in their own way. That comfort was a bit deeper and more psychological for Shinichi than Heiji could really experience, but he got why it could help.

After long moments passed, Shinichi's hand reached up to curl in Heiji's shirt, and only then did he lower his hands to rub lingering tension from Shinichi's neck and shoulders. "I've got you," Heiji murmured.

Shinichi made a pained sound deep in his throat and pressed his face harder into Heiji's chest. Both hands moved to grip Heiji's shirt in tight fists. It brought back some of the tension Heiji was trying to get rid of, but he knew Shinichi wasn't going to be able to truly relax until he got whatever had happened off his chest.

"Not going anywhere," Heiji promised.

Shinichi took a shaky breath. "It was children," he said, and Heiji felt a twist in his gut at how Shinichi's voice sounded like it was being torn from his throat. Children were always the worst. "It's been going on for…months? Years? They're still digging things…" _People. Bodies. Children and evidence_. "Still going through it all. I met the killer before. Knew his name and face and talked to him. I talked to him as _Conan_ ," and Shinichi's voice broke there and his grip twisted in Heiji's shirt as he curled into himself. "He sometimes got coffee at the Poirot. All that time—"

"You can't know everything, Kudo," Heiji said. "No one knew. The guy was good at hiding, but you caught the bastard."

"Too late."

"You caught him before he got anyone else," Heiji corrected.

"None of them were older than ten." Heiji stroked Shinichi's head as he shook. He wasn't crying though. It took a lot for Shinichi to let go enough for that, and he wasn't there yet. Heiji half hoped he could get him to that point because there was a level of catharsis to tears that went deeper than what he could manage through words and actions. "It could have been me. It could have been the Shounen Tantei."

"It wasn't. They're fine." Heiji kept his voice steady and calm. An anchor for the storm. "If anyone went missing, you'd be the first to know. Ayumi-chan had piano lessons today and got home fine. Mitsuhiko-kun had his study group today. Genta-kun had soccer practice. Haibara is with the professor probably getting ready for bed after giving him another lecture about his blood sugar. They're okay."

"But it could have been them."

"And it wasn't." Heiji loosened Shinichi's hands from his shirt and moved onto the bed so he could wrap his arms around Shinichi, surrounding him with his presence. Shinichi leaned back into him, breathing a bit too fast, a bit too unsteady as his control started to break. "And now it won't ever be them because he's arrested."

"It feels like they never stop coming," Shinichi whispered. "That every time I think I've seen the worst people can manage, they prove me wrong."

"But you do stop them. You stop them and they face the justice system for the crimes they committed." Heiji rested his head on Shinichi's shoulder. Shinichi's face turned against his until Shinichi's nose was pressed uncomfortably against Heiji's cheek, but Heiji didn't move his head away. "For every bad thing you've seen, you've seen something good."

"Ran," Shinichi said.

Heiji smiled. "The Shounen Tantei. People who can forgive. People who put their lives on the line to help others."

"Division one."

"Kids that smile and laugh and go home to their families happy."

"I wish I realized sooner," Shinichi choked. His breath hitched and Heiji knew that the tipping point had been passed and Shinichi was finally letting the tears out. He held on tighter like his arms could keep Shinichi from shaking apart. "They deserved better."

"They're gonna be laid to rest now," Heiji said. "Those kids are going to be at peace."

Shinichi didn't answer, past being verbal again, but this time because he was letting the emotion out instead of bottling it up. Heiji held him as he shook and sobbed almost silently. Soft reassurances came from Heiji's mouth without much thought behind them, the tone more important than their content. "You did good. That's one less person out hurting people. You helped. You always help. Somewhere a kid's okay because of you. Shh, shh, breathe Kudo. I've got you. It hurts but you're going to be okay. You're not alone. We'll both be quicker next time," and on and on until the shaking stopped and Shinichi's breaths became even again.

The blindfold had a damp patch along where it touched Heiji's cheek and Shinichi's nose was running from the tears. Heiji kissed Shinichi's cheek anyway and stroked hair back from his face with soft, steady motions. "You okay, Kudo?"

Shinichi stirred, sniffling. "Yes." He cleared his throat, trying to clear away the nasal raspy-ness that crying left behind. "Thank you." Shinichi caught Heiji's hand before it could make its way through his hair again. "Can you…?"

"Yeah." Heiji scooted a bit back so he could reach the knot on the blindfold and untied it. While Shinichi was rubbing the heels of his hands against the remnants of tears, Heiji snagged a tissue from the side table and pressed it into Shinichi's hand. "Here."

"I could have got that myself," Shinichi said, already starting to come back to himself. He turned his body away to blow his nose.

"I know." Heiji gave Shinichi his space. He was always a bit uncomfortable after he let everything go like it was showing something weak. Heiji always thought it was the opposite. Shinichi had so much emotion coiled up in him, so many moments that could have shattered him, but he kept going and built himself back up and kept doing what he did best. Heiji only got by because he wasn't the type to dwell on these things, but Shinichi probably remembered each and every victim and let the most memorable change him. It was working with Shinichi that had changed how Heiji approached cases, but for Shinichi it had always been the cases he saw as his personal failures and victims he felt he owed something to. "How are you?"

"Exhausted." Shinichi tossed the used tissue away and let himself fall against the bed. "And probably going to have to go in to the station tomorrow."

"Want me to go with you?"

Shinichi frowned at him. "You have work tomorrow."

"So I just walk you there." Heiji shrugged. "We'd both be going to the same place."

"Mm." That wasn't a yes or a no, but Heiji was leaning toward a yes since Shinichi hadn't actually told him to back off.

"I'm going to have nightmares for weeks," Shinichi muttered.

"Good thing you're not sleeping alone."

Shinichi elbowed him and Heiji caught it and let himself fall next to Shinichi.

"It you have nightmares, I'll wake you up," Heiji said seriously.

There was a glimmer of vulnerability on Shinichi's face before he covered it up again. "Just don't do it by grabbing my shoulders again. You're damn lucky I missed kicking you in the groin last time."

"Promise to be at least half a meter away." Half of Shinichi's nightmares involved fighting for his life. There were a lot of times that carried over.

Shinichi snorted. Heiji closed his eyes and listened to Shinichi breathe and took in the warmth he gave off where their legs brushed against each other. He almost thought Shinichi had fallen asleep when Shinichi's hand tugged on his wrist. "Hey…"

"Hm?" Heiji turned.

Shinichi was looking anywhere but at Heiji. "Can you…you know…?" He tugged Heiji's hand to his face and Heiji got the idea.

"Yeah. Yeah, I've got you." He cupped his hands over Shinichi's ears again and Shinichi let his eyes close. Heiji curled toward him, letting their foreheads touch. Beneath his hands, Shinichi sighed and relaxed though he didn't cross the hand span of gap between them. Heiji kept his hands there past the point where he knew Shinichi dropped off into sleep. He didn't know if it would help make Shinichi's sleep deeper or not, but if it soothed his conscious mind, there was no reason it wouldn't help his unconscious one.


End file.
